After having another meltdown today over my clothes I felt I needed to vent a wee bit.
I'm a big fan of body positive posts, I always feel great about myself after reading and think that I'm ready to take on the world. I love they way they encourage me not to accept the 'norms' of society, to ignore all those bullshit airbrushed photos in mags, and to simply love myself for who I am.
However this never last longer than a few days... For those of you who don't know me I size in at 10/12, more 12 on the bottom half!! I know that this a perfectly average/normal size, but I have serious issues with the lower half of my body... I have no idea where it all stemmed from. A few years ago I would go out not a bother with my leggies on display (als with the help of sunshimmer) and would feel quiet happy with myself. But over the last year or so, I've made a conscious effort to cover up my legs whether it be through maxi dresses or tights.
Two things I have come to hate, and I mean HATE, are leggings and skinny jeans. I als used to wear skinny jeans, but since this horrible feeling creeped into my head, I would put them on with a top, look at myself in the mirror, look down at my thighs and feel like an absolute heiffer. It ends up ruining my day, like properly ruining it, and reducing me to tears out of sheer frustration sometimes. The same with leggings, I usually wear them under dresses, but they are no longer my friend, it has escalated into me thinking that people will see my thighs wobble cause they are tight. Yet again, if I accidentally put them on in the morning in a rush, I end up having a near mental breakdown.
I can almost hear you thinking to yourselves 'did someone say something to her to make her think this way', but NO nobody has ever made a negative comment about my body to me!!! So I really have no clue where this came from. I did a lot of running last year and I think that gave me a wee bit of confidence in my leggies again, but not to the point I'd be out in my shorts. As I typed that line I have just had a horrendous flash back of buying denim shorts last spring and feeling like i was stuffed in to them, and I'm now wondering if that was indeed the beginning of this stupid issue....
I've moved to London over 9 months ago, wow that flew by, and I was hoping that over here I may find 'my style' that will get me over this f'in hill I keep rolling back down. Due to money etc I haven't been able to go out and buy a new wardrobe etc, but I am slowly but surely getting into the frame of mind that in this big city no one is going to judge my legs.
My first positive step was to get rid of my skinny jeans. They do not make me feel skinny, they make me feel like a beached whale and ruin my day, so bye bye you can continue your life in the charity shop. I got rid of my leggings too, apart from the ones I use for exercise. I do not want clothes in my wardrobe that make me feel like shit.
My second positive step begins tomorrow, when I bare the legs, put in the ipod and run the shit out of myself... I feel better when I exercise, it doesn't only help my physical appearance, it improves my mental health.
Without sounding too dramatic, I feel this issue I'm having with my legs is getting way to out of hand, and I just need to be done with it. If we get any bit of sun this summer, I do no intend to hide my legs away behind trousers or tights!!!
I want to feel good about myself, I want to be able to prance about London in the sun and get a few freckles, and the inevitable burn on my legs!!! I want to believe my BF when he tells me that I have a gorg figure, and not second guess him. I don't want my body issues to come between us. I also want to go on holidays once my contract is up and stroll about in a bikini feeling fab!!!
Hopefully the next time I write on this subject, the 'struggling' will be dropped from the title!!! Actually no hopefully about it, it will be!!